Letter to my Immigrant Parents

Dear Mommy and Daddy ( Plural), 

We’re writing this letter as an open plea to you.  We know you won’t be happy, in fact you may be feel hurt, lost, misunderstood, even angry after you read this, and that’s ok. We hope that we can sit in those feelings along with ours and work through it together, because We love you and We really want us to fix it. We know we can, if only we can talk about it, and you would really listen to us.

 Your children are hurting and have so many emotional wounds from feeling unheard, dismissed, unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood, far too many times without acknowledgment from you about what’s happening. We’ve normalized the pain over the years, we’ve laughed it away in a joke, we’ve found other people that we go to instead for the “important things.” We’ve silenced ourselves around you so many times, and we’ve grown really, really strong, so strong that you don’t even realize what you did… what you’re doing… and how we’re still carrying it, and it’s still hurting.

That time that We told you We were struggling, and before We could confide in you more, you already told us 5 things we were doing wrong. The moment you made that joke about Our body, something We had been struggling with, and when We tried to tell you it hurt, you dismissed Our feelings, telling us we were being too sensitive. Those times when you couldn’t even sit to listen to our dreams and hopes, our fears, because they weren’t what you imagined for us… all of it left scars. 

And We know you would never want to hurt us. That’s not the point of this letter. It’s not to dismiss all the great things you’ve done and the sacrifices you’ve made or even assume intentionality. It’s simply to share about your impact. It’s to say we need something different from you. 

It’s a big ask, We know. It’s more work , We know. It may feel foreign, even uncomfortable. But We hope you can pause just a bit more. Ask us if we’re ok and actually LET us tell you what we’re thinking, feeling, and dealing with without assuming you know or telling us it’s not a big deal( we know it may feel small in your world, but it’s really big in ours). Take ownership of how you react to things. We’re not bulletproof. Notice our body language a bit more. You’ve trained us to really value your words but that’s also a double edged sword because it makes them carry even more weight; be careful what you say. 

You’re human, and so are we. We need nurturing just as much as discipline. We know you’re not perfect. It’s even more frustrating when you can’t admit it. As long as we see you trying, we can give some grace. We just need to feel like we matter. You don’t need to respond to this until you feel you are able to really listen… then please let’s talk. It’s also ok if you never respond as long as you heard me…Let’s start from somewhere. 

We love you.

Sincerely, 

Your Immigrant Children